Sanity Optional

In this episode, Alexis gets into what happens when you've spent so long being everyone's safe space that you've completely lost track of your own. She talks directly to the helpers, the caretakers, the oldest daughters, the nurses, the therapists, the teachers, and anyone who has quietly become the emotional backbone of everyone around them while nobody thinks to ask how they're doing.
Alexis breaks down why endless giving often starts as survival and not strength, what compassion fatigue actually feels like from the inside, and why drawing a boundary can feel like becoming the villain even when it's the healthiest thing you've ever done. She also gets into why helpers tend to date emotionally unavailable people, what it means to mistake being needed for being loved, and what your life actually looks like when you stop abandoning yourself to take care of everyone else.
Timestamps00:00 The Weight of Being the Strong One04:36 Boundaries vs. Self-Abandonment08:04 Roots of the Caretaker Identity11:39 Patterns in Rescuing and Relationships15:28 Healing from Compassion Fatigue
ABOUT SANITY OPTIONALSanity Optional is a podcast about the parts of mental health we usually keep to ourselves.It’s for the moments when your life looks fine on the outside but feels messy underneath. When you’re tired of being told to “do the work.” When you secretly wonder if you’re the only one struggling with something that feels too taboo to say out loud.Hosted by therapist and founder of Rowan Healing, Alexis Ely, this show was created for people who feel like they’re in the other club. The ones who don’t fit the timeline. The ones who have been to the edge of their own mind and made it back.Alexis shares her story, from early trauma and suicidal depression to the perfectionism and addiction that followed, and ultimately the kind of peace she once believed was impossible. She brings clinical experience and lived experience into the same room, without turning healing into a performance or a checklist.This isn’t about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about feeling at home in your own mind.Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Show LinksRowan Healing: https://www.rowanhealing.com/

In this episode, Alexis gets into one of the quietest crises she sees in her work: people who have done everything right and still feel empty. She talks about what happens when your identity is built around achievement, why hustle culture is just another way of avoiding yourself, and why purpose doesn't have to be some grand, singular calling. It can just be loving your life.Alexis also gets into what it looks like to stop performing and actually find out who you are underneath it all, why nobody is coming to save you and why that's actually good news, and what it means to finally choose yourself instead of waiting to be chosen by someone else.
Timestamps00:00 Finding Purpose and Your True Calling04:06 The Dangers of Hustle and Healing Culture08:29 Defining Value and Navigating Life’s Disappointments12:06 Unpacking Addictions and Taking Responsibility16:12 Love, Self-Worth, and Emotional Patterns21:09 Embracing Play Over Performance
ABOUT SANITY OPTIONALSanity Optional is a podcast about the parts of mental health we usually keep to ourselves.It’s for the moments when your life looks fine on the outside but feels messy underneath. When you’re tired of being told to “do the work.” When you secretly wonder if you’re the only one struggling with something that feels too taboo to say out loud.Hosted by therapist and founder of Rowan Healing, Alexis Ely, this show was created for people who feel like they’re in the other club. The ones who don’t fit the timeline. The ones who have been to the edge of their own mind and made it back.Alexis shares her story, from early trauma and suicidal depression to the perfectionism and addiction that followed, and ultimately the kind of peace she once believed was impossible. She brings clinical experience and lived experience into the same room, without turning healing into a performance or a checklist.This isn’t about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about feeling at home in your own mind.Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Show LinksRowan Healing: https://www.rowanhealing.com/

In this episode, Alexis breaks down the emotions most people spend their lives trying to avoid and explains why avoiding them is exactly what keeps people stuck. She walks through the fear family, sadness, anger, shame, disgust, and more, getting into where each one comes from, what it's actually trying to tell you, and what it takes to heal it.Alexis also gets into the fears that quietly run people's lives, from the fear of death and failure to the fear of being seen, being left, or never becoming who they were supposed to be. She makes the case that no emotion is actually bad, and that the relationship you build with your own inner life is the most important one you'll ever have.
Timestamps00:00 Introduction to Negative Emotions01:12 Understanding and Healing Fear05:47 Exploring the Sadness Family07:27 The Dynamics of Anger08:55 Navigating Shame and Guilt11:29 Disgust and Social Rigidity13:35 Threat to Self & Vulnerability14:48 Existential Emotions & Overwhelm18:10 Confronting the Fear of Death21:18 Living Wrong & Feeling Stuck25:17 Fear of Loss and Change27:00 Meaning, Purpose, and Uniqueness28:47 Embarrassment & Knowing Yourself31:00 False Identity & Dying Alone33:10 Career, Money, and Success Fears35:29 Relationship & Breakup Fears40:02 The Fear of Being a Bad Person41:09 Friendship Fears & Humiliation44:17 Core Fears and Healing
ABOUT SANITY OPTIONALSanity Optional is a podcast about the parts of mental health we usually keep to ourselves.It’s for the moments when your life looks fine on the outside but feels messy underneath. When you’re tired of being told to “do the work.” When you secretly wonder if you’re the only one struggling with something that feels too taboo to say out loud.Hosted by therapist and founder of Rowan Healing, Alexis Ely, this show was created for people who feel like they’re in the other club. The ones who don’t fit the timeline. The ones who have been to the edge of their own mind and made it back.Alexis shares her story, from early trauma and suicidal depression to the perfectionism and addiction that followed, and ultimately the kind of peace she once believed was impossible. She brings clinical experience and lived experience into the same room, without turning healing into a performance or a checklist.This isn’t about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about feeling at home in your own mind.Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Show LinksRowan Healing: https://www.rowanhealing.com/

In this episode, Alexis digs into one of the most disorienting questions you can ask yourself: who are you, actually? She breaks down the difference between identity and ego, why so many people are living out a version of themselves built around earning love or staying safe, and what it feels like when you finally stop performing and start just being.Alexis gets into the nervous system roots of people-pleasing and overachieving, why reinventing yourself is healthy and not a crisis, and how rigid family systems quietly shape the way we see ourselves for decades. She also gets into ego death, the shadow self, and why coming home to your identity isn't a destination so much as a practice.
Timestamps00:00 Identity vs. Ego02:37 Healthy vs. Unhealthy Ego06:32 Defining Self: Who Am I?09:42 Fluidity of Identity12:51 Chosen vs. Inherited Identity16:03 Authenticity and Relationships19:50 Self-Love and Validation22:32 Human Nature and Shadow Self26:17 Reinvention and Growth29:43 Exiting the Matrix of Fear33:04 The Power of Authenticity36:17 Outgrowing Family Identity39:10 The Pitfalls of Labels43:33 Online vs. Authentic Self47:25 AI, Brands, and Purpose51:17 Embracing Life’s Waves
ABOUT SANITY OPTIONALSanity Optional is a podcast about the parts of mental health we usually keep to ourselves.It’s for the moments when your life looks fine on the outside but feels messy underneath. When you’re tired of being told to “do the work.” When you secretly wonder if you’re the only one struggling with something that feels too taboo to say out loud.Hosted by therapist and founder of Rowan Healing, Alexis Ely, this show was created for people who feel like they’re in the other club. The ones who don’t fit the timeline. The ones who have been to the edge of their own mind and made it back.Alexis shares her story, from early trauma and suicidal depression to the perfectionism and addiction that followed, and ultimately the kind of peace she once believed was impossible. She brings clinical experience and lived experience into the same room, without turning healing into a performance or a checklist.This isn’t about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about feeling at home in your own mind.Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Show LinksRowan Healing: https://www.rowanhealing.com/

In this episode, Alexis gets into something she has been wanting to cover for a while: the history of mental health. And it is not a comfortable story. From spinning chairs and ice pick lobotomies to forced sterilizations funded by Rockefeller and Carnegie, she walks through how we got here and why so many people still carry a deep fear of mental institutions and psychiatric care. She also gets into the moments when humanity actually got it right, the Quakers, and what happened every single time kindness and community proved more effective than medication and control. Spoiler: it got shut down.
Timestamps00:00 Introduction to Mental Health History03:13 Early Mental Health Treatments09:27 Humanitarian Reforms & Setbacks14:02 Eugenics Movement in Mental Health16:47 Brutal 20th Century ‘Treatments’20:03 Lobotomy and Chemical Lobotomy33:26 Reflecting on Mental Health History
ABOUT SANITY OPTIONALSanity Optional is a podcast about the parts of mental health we usually keep to ourselves.It’s for the moments when your life looks fine on the outside but feels messy underneath. When you’re tired of being told to “do the work.” When you secretly wonder if you’re the only one struggling with something that feels too taboo to say out loud.Hosted by therapist and founder of Rowan Healing, Alexis Ely, this show was created for people who feel like they’re in the other club. The ones who don’t fit the timeline. The ones who have been to the edge of their own mind and made it back.Alexis shares her story, from early trauma and suicidal depression to the perfectionism and addiction that followed, and ultimately the kind of peace she once believed was impossible. She brings clinical experience and lived experience into the same room, without turning healing into a performance or a checklist.This isn’t about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about feeling at home in your own mind.Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Show LinksRowan Healing: https://www.rowanhealing.com/

This episode does not have a tidy theme and Alexis is the first to admit it. She starts with some genuinely good news, talks about quitting vaping through hypnosis after two years of trying everything else, and then goes somewhere bigger. She gets into why everyone has become so mean online, why we have lost the ability to have fun, and why the loneliness epidemic is not going to be solved by anyone at the top of the room. She also gets into hope, excitement, community, and why the small choices we make every single day matter more than we think.
Timestamps 00:00 Quitting Nicotine: A Personal Journey03:00 Hypnosis: The Breakthrough Solution06:40 The Rise of Judgment and Fear09:50 Social Media’s Impact and Loneliness13:00 Embracing Imperfection and Connection17:28 Prioritizing Real-Life Interaction19:38 Economic Disparity and Lack of Empathy24:52 Rekindling Hope, Excitement, and Community29:50 Workplace Fun and Kindness32:40 The Power of Small Choices and Kindness
ABOUT SANITY OPTIONALSanity Optional is a podcast about the parts of mental health we usually keep to ourselves.It’s for the moments when your life looks fine on the outside but feels messy underneath. When you’re tired of being told to “do the work.” When you secretly wonder if you’re the only one struggling with something that feels too taboo to say out loud.Hosted by therapist and founder of Rowan Healing, Alexis Ely, this show was created for people who feel like they’re in the other club. The ones who don’t fit the timeline. The ones who have been to the edge of their own mind and made it back.Alexis shares her story, from early trauma and suicidal depression to the perfectionism and addiction that followed, and ultimately the kind of peace she once believed was impossible. She brings clinical experience and lived experience into the same room, without turning healing into a performance or a checklist.This isn’t about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about feeling at home in your own mind.Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Show LinksRowan Healing: https://www.rowanhealing.com/

Alexis has a bone to pick with ChatGPT. She works through the most googled mental health, sex, and dating questions and makes the case that most of what people are searching for has nothing to do with information; it’s about wanting to know that someone else feels the same way. She also gets into burnout culture, why community has quietly disappeared from modern life, and why the simple act of talking to a stranger might be more healing than anything you will find on a screen.
Timestamps00:00 ChatGPT vs. Therapist01:36 ChatGPT’s Offense: Therapist to Therapist04:00 Is What I’m Feeling Normal?06:56 Coping with Stress: It’s Not That Serious08:11 Sex Drive and Body Normality09:37 Feeling Stuck and Burnt Out12:12 Dating: Why Can’t I Find Someone?14:31 Funny Questions and Texting Etiquette16:40 The Fear of Human Connection17:50 ChatGPT as a Tool, Not a Replacement21:07 Bringing Back Community and Connection
ABOUT SANITY OPTIONALSanity Optional is a podcast about the parts of mental health we usually keep to ourselves.It’s for the moments when your life looks fine on the outside but feels messy underneath. When you’re tired of being told to “do the work.” When you secretly wonder if you’re the only one struggling with something that feels too taboo to say out loud.Hosted by therapist and founder of Rowan Healing, Alexis Ely, this show was created for people who feel like they’re in the other club. The ones who don’t fit the timeline. The ones who have been to the edge of their own mind and made it back.Alexis shares her story, from early trauma and suicidal depression to the perfectionism and addiction that followed, and ultimately the kind of peace she once believed was impossible. She brings clinical experience and lived experience into the same room, without turning healing into a performance or a checklist.This isn’t about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about feeling at home in your own mind.Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Show LinksRowan Healing: https://www.rowanhealing.com/

The sex episode is here, and it goes somewhere unexpected. Alexis starts with performance anxiety, orgasmic disorder, and why we are all so weird about sex in America, before pivoting into the conversation she really wanted to have. The one nobody wants to have. She gets into sexual safety, predatory behavior, how to talk to your kids about body safety, and what she learned from the years she spent working with some of the most dangerous people she has ever encountered. She closes with a reminder that whatever happened to you does not leave a mark you cannot heal from, and that you deserve to thrive, not just survive.
ABOUT SANITY OPTIONALSanity Optional is a podcast about the parts of mental health we usually keep to ourselves.It’s for the moments when your life looks fine on the outside but feels messy underneath. When you’re tired of being told to “do the work.” When you secretly wonder if you’re the only one struggling with something that feels too taboo to say out loud.Hosted by therapist and founder of Rowan Healing, Alexis Ely, this show was created for people who feel like they’re in the other club. The ones who don’t fit the timeline. The ones who have been to the edge of their own mind and made it back.Alexis shares her story, from early trauma and suicidal depression to the perfectionism and addiction that followed, and ultimately the kind of peace she once believed was impossible. She brings clinical experience and lived experience into the same room, without turning healing into a performance or a checklist.This isn’t about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about feeling at home in your own mind.Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Show LinksRowan Healing: https://www.rowanhealing.com/

In this episode, Alexis gets into dating habits, and she does not hold back. She starts with a quick history of how we got here, from property arrangements and goats to situationships and Instagram story surveillance, and makes the case that nobody ever actually taught us how to do any of this. From there she gets into why dating apps are burning everyone out, why meeting in person is worth bringing back, and what it actually means to date with intention instead of just swiping into a void. She also works through a list of the most Googled dating questions out there, from ghosting to breadcrumbing to whether liking someone's story counts as a personality disorder.
Timestamps00:00 The Struggle of Modern Dating03:36 Life Updates and Celebrations05:13 Evolution of Dating Habits11:36 Defining Modern Partnerships14:14 Dating App Burnout and Honesty21:58 The Art of In-Person Connections26:07 Dating with Confidence and Values31:22 Intentional Dating and Self-Worth35:00 Become the Person You Want to Date37:13 Exclusivity, Standards, and Pace39:59 Handling Rejection and Commitment43:19 Signs of Wasted Time43:38 When You Like Someone More44:14 Decoding Vague Communication45:54 Emotional Avoidance vs. ADHD48:00 Why You Become Irresistible49:12 Dealing with Non-Committal Behavior50:29 Avoiding Breadcrumbing and Unresolved Trauma52:17 Attracting Emotionally Unavailable Partners54:51 Healing Makes Dating Better
 
ABOUT SANITY OPTIONALSanity Optional is a podcast about the parts of mental health we usually keep to ourselves.It’s for the moments when your life looks fine on the outside but feels messy underneath. When you’re tired of being told to “do the work.” When you secretly wonder if you’re the only one struggling with something that feels too taboo to say out loud.Hosted by therapist and founder of Rowan Healing, Alexis Ely, this show was created for people who feel like they’re in the other club. The ones who don’t fit the timeline. The ones who have been to the edge of their own mind and made it back.Alexis shares her story, from early trauma and suicidal depression to the perfectionism and addiction that followed, and ultimately the kind of peace she once believed was impossible. She brings clinical experience and lived experience into the same room, without turning healing into a performance or a checklist.This isn’t about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about feeling at home in your own mind.Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Show LinksRowan Healing: https://www.rowanhealing.com/

The Women's Episode is finally here. Alexis comes in with a lot of coffee and a lot to say about the generation of women she sees behind closed doors every week. Women who are running companies, raising kids, doing everything right, and still standing in the mirror telling themselves it is not enough. She gets into where that perfectionism comes from, why so many women have repressed rage they have never been given permission to feel, and what it actually looks like to stop letting the world evaluate you and start evaluating yourself. She also gets into shadow work, the rules of your kingdom, the pizza order, and why she is officially retiring the word boundaries.
Timestamps00:00 Introduction & Allyship Statement03:18 The Pressure of Perfectionism06:26 Historical Conditioning and Emotional Intelligence12:28 Constant Evaluation & Generational Trauma22:08 Healing Perfectionism with Shadow Work31:52 Trusting Yourself & Releasing Repressed Anger38:58 Queen Bitch Energy & Kingdom Rules43:48 Metamorphosis Moment: Redefining Identity47:32 Dating: The Pizza Order & Merging Kingdoms53:49 Honest Dating: Beyond Trophies and Fear57:34 Confidence and Self-Belief
 
ABOUT SANITY OPTIONALSanity Optional is a podcast about the parts of mental health we usually keep to ourselves.It’s for the moments when your life looks fine on the outside but feels messy underneath. When you’re tired of being told to “do the work.” When you secretly wonder if you’re the only one struggling with something that feels too taboo to say out loud.Hosted by therapist and founder of Rowan Healing, Alexis Ely, this show was created for people who feel like they’re in the other club. The ones who don’t fit the timeline. The ones who have been to the edge of their own mind and made it back.Alexis shares her story, from early trauma and suicidal depression to the perfectionism and addiction that followed, and ultimately the kind of peace she once believed was impossible. She brings clinical experience and lived experience into the same room, without turning healing into a performance or a checklist.This isn’t about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about feeling at home in your own mind.Welcome to the rabbit hole.
Show LinksRowan Healing: https://www.rowanhealing.com/